On today’s Powertalk w/ Lorraine Jacques White, the listeners were in an UPROAR because our guest, Atty. Ralph Richard Banks, came on the show to discuss issues addressed in his book Is Marriage For White People?

Yep… that’s the title! So, you ALREADY KNOW how that triggered an on-air riot against the idea! Listen in on the conversation… and YOU decide where you stand:









Comments (72)
  1. Sarah says:

    Here we go again with another bash the black woman and tell us to look for companionship outside our racial grouping..This is more psychological BS to get the black family to further disintergrate, we’re seeing more of this forward assault on the black family to tell us to date and marry outside ourselves and in essence exterminate ourselves…Why the hell should I take myself and go to another group to be used as a breeder to breed myself out of existence? We will only hear this BS being pushed onto the black community, yeah coming from Essence which is now run by white people and a white male editor running this publication, we will see more of this BS being pushed into the black community…We need to kill this publication and start from scratch, this magazine is not about uplifting black people anymore, but about tearing us down…

    Lets look at the systemic reasons why the black family has been destroyed and it will always lead back to slavery and our ancestors enslavement and not allowed to be MEN, WOMEN, and PARENTS to our children…We always look at the european version of this institution called marriage, which they themselves don’t believe in or uphold…The black man in this society was always block form work, schooling and other means of upward mobility as punishment for his stance and standing up to racism white supremacy…The racist used this to get us black women out the home and were willing to hire up at cheaper wages, than what they would pay a black man if he would be hired to do the same job to take care of his family, this is some of the reason we have this divide in the family…Any black person who hate themselves and the parents who put them into the body they’re in, need to be sitting on the shrinks couch deprogramming themselves from this white ideal of love and happiness..

    This Prof is an instrument of the racist and is one of their tools used to divide and conquer..The problem is RACISM WHITE SUPREMACY that needs to be addressed as to why blacks are in the condition we’re in…I agree with the Bro Charles, this man is “ignant” and is out to sell his book which is supporting racism/white supremacy…Once again look at where this man went to school Stanford, Harvard and we are seeing where his head is at…He has a “black” wife, but is advocating for black women to look outsides ourselves for mates…We’re not a long way from extinction, because we have this one drop rule that says if you have one drop of black blood it makes you black even if you might look white we’re supposed to accept you as being black…

    We’re seeing a lightening up of BLACK people to make us more “beige” and loosing our black essence and connection to the motherland.., we’re once again being used as “breeders” to help white people to survive…I cant believe this supposed “black brother” is saying black men are not everything they should be, and have no problem is breeding himself and his father into extinction…This is sounding more like white propaganda..Go Jihad, say it and put this clown in his place….

    1. Concerned Black Woman says:

      Porsha, I heard what you had to say and I am that very ethnic looking black woman that has chosen to date outside my race and I am loving it! As a darkskinned female I find that white men find me more attractive. It has never been about money for me, I just wanted to meet and date men that found my beauty to be beautiful. I personally agree with the author and would strongly suggest that more black females expand their dating pool and see just how fun it is. Why should I, You, or any beautiful black woman that is worthy of love stay tucked away in a box waiting for the do right black man, when you have men of other races that are willing to treat you like any woman wants to be treated? You said that you and your girls tried it, but the white men were not biting. I say try again and all of you let down your walls and go for it. You will see how good it feels to open yourself up to more options, just like black men have done for centuries. Why be loyal to a race of men that show us as black females that they are not loyal to us in anyway fashion or form. We as black women must expand our horizons and see just how many other races of men find us worthy of love,tenderness, and royal treatment.

      1. Kay says:

        @Concerned Black Woman
        I completely agree. Values are what I seek and clearly I am not finding it in the average black male. The males are always talking about our flaws and what we need to fix, yet I never hear them discuss what they need to fix.
        As a side note, the shootings in Chicago caused the creation of a stop the violence group all run by *drumroll* …women.

    2. Midnyte Blacke says:

      first of all no matter what raise we (sistas) marry, we are going to produce black children, they may be mixed and some may come out lighter skinned, but our children will still have black blood and anyone who says different is a completely uneducated idiot.

      1. Flower White says:


    3. mia. says:

      Sarah, shut your face. The reason for the poor state of the black community CAN BE TIED TO POOR RELATIONSHIP CHOICES TO BEGIN WITH. White supremacy has nothing to do with it anymore, now we’re hurting ourselves. Asking black women to better themselves is not bashing or talking down to them; if anything, it’s encouragement. Suggesting BW date out of their race is not harmful at all, and if anything it’s a good idea! Most domestic violence, child support issues, and OOW children are the result of many black men unable to step up. Look it up.It’s hard to find a decent BM.

      And it’s not always encouraging dating out due to lack of eligible black men, either! I, for one, PREFER white dudes. Have since I was 5 years old. Love me some vanilla. Stick that in your juice box and suck it. 🙂

  2. porsha says:

    Not only is it a silly recommendation, but it will be a slap in the face of all good black men like those of my father to began to date and marry white men as a black woman.

    sarah, the problem that i have with this whole scenario is the fact that they, (these so called authors) want to continue to exploit the issues with black women when WHITE WOMEN cant find suitable mates as well that want to commit and marry. I tell black women and men all the time the reason why Sex and The City was so popular amoungst white women was because they too were and are experiencing what black women are experiencing in the love and marriage game. I resent black men that will marry a white piece of trash YET cannot effectively deal with an equal black female as a mate.

    We as black women, and i am single and have had my fair share of hurt in dealing with black men, will never subscrib to the thought of having a white boyfriend or husband. I have brothers and friends that come home and complain about how some white man has treated them along with white women- how do i look with my black behind coming home complaining to the actual problem? I will never believe that these relationships are about LOVE. It is a SICKNESS! And YES WE CAN HELP WHO WE LOVE AND WHO WE CHOOSE TO GIVE LOVE TO!

    We as black women must not try to live our lives like white women as models because they are not fit to be models for us as women, the same goes for the black man that tries to model his life like the white man and must have the white mans woman to feel like a complete success. Even though black men have done me wrong from time to time, I will always have a special love for them that no one but a black woman can understand.

    1. Flower Black says:

      porsha are you married to a black man? Please inform!

      Well, I was. He was ok. Since then I’ve mainly dated white men. In between I dated black men. GUESS who were the lying two faced cheaters who could not be monogamous and expected me to share them? Bingo. BM. Now, I date only wm!

  3. Leon says:

    What I wonder in reading the above points is whether those two people actually read this man’s book or even listened to what he was saying in the related interview. No matter what the cause of the disparity in Black and White relationship, the fact remains that it existed. And for each individual, no matter what is going on as far our race, his advice is the mathematics are against you. You can either live alone, or at least cast your net wider.
    There was nothing negative said about Black women. In fact it was rather positive in that they are higher educated and have better jobs. So the “he was bashing the Black women” statements prove someone simply wasn’t paying attention.

    1. K.L. says:

      Hell I am casting my net wider. It is very interesting to hear all the black men call in and show their contempt for the author, but why didnt Jihad elaborate on the fact that black men show no loyalty to black women. They never have and never will. I am not only going to go out and purchase this book, but I will also request it at my next book club reading for all my single black girlfriends! Maybe it is time for black women to move on from black men. Look around. Most have abandoned us already. How much more hurt do black woman have to endure at the hands of men who are supposed to protect her? I am going to tell every black single female that I know and don’t know about this book so we as women can maybe find the happiness that we deserve on this earth.

      1. VFB says:

        AMEN SISTA! I have been telling women (especially the younger ones) PLEASE EXPAND YOUR OPTIONS, AND STOP SETTLING FOR LESS. Yes I live in Chicago and have traveled thoughout the world. I work in social services, and ladies let me tell you first hand….MAJORITY (not all) of Black Men are done. It is very sad. But life goes on and God never told me I can only date & marry someone Black.

  4. frank says:

    You know, I don’t have a problem with black women dating outside the race. But if you all think you are going to find a better quality of men. Yeah good luck with that. Only God is good.

    1. K.L. says:

      Frank, whether or not they are a better quality of man remains to be seen. The white men that I date treat me with kindness and tenderness, and most of all respect. Black mens’ egos are way too blown up. I wonder how you feel about black men dating white women? I bet you see him on the street and give him dap for having a white woman on his arms, but will frown upon a black woman with a white man and try to find all kind of faults with him from head to toe. There will always be a double standard when it comes to black women dating other races of men and thats okay because I know where it comes from, but I am going to date the man that wants to date me without all these crazy self hating issues attached. I am reading this authors book as I speak, and I purchased 10 to give to my single black female friends in hopes that I can persuade them to move away from black men and have a shot at love with someone that does not punish them for being black, strong, independant, and self made.

      1. frank says:

        K.L. all that fluff sounds good, but you can find all that in black men too. Just don’t throw us under the bus because you so called educated, strong, independant and self made black woman have lost your way. Please Im not trying to insult you, but aint no man ( I DON’T CARE WHAT’S HIS RACE) is going to kiss a woman ass. And that’s exactly what I alot of you black woman want from a black man. If you truly want a with those qualities in a man try this. Get off the stage. Get off your knees. Get off your back. And put on clothes That’s a good start. Oh and for the record I’ll give the white guy some dap for dating a black woman.

      2. Miss V says:

        Hi K.L. I’m an unemployed sista, who’s open to IR dating/marriage. If you can, I’d really appreciate it if you could send me a copy of that book. My emal address is vrainette@yahoo.com.

        Thanks so much!

    2. Flower White says:

      @Frank not everybody believes in God! I am so sick of bm using religon to try to control blk women!! Yeh some of us don’t give two hoots about the bible!!

      And Imma say it: YES wm are a better quality than the bm that I’ve dated and married.

      Go marry your babymama!

    3. Flower Black says:


      You know, I don’t have a problem with black women dating outside the race. But if you all think you are going to find a better quality of men. Yeah good luck with that. Only God is good.”

      *****A man is not what he says. A man is what he does.**********
      Black men are not marrying the mothers of their children and making a legal family.
      Black men ARE dating out 3X more than black women.
      Black men ARE going to jail over dumb stuff
      Black men ARE bumping their heads to soul-killing hiphop (woman hating)

      Yeh black men, good luck with that, and the truth is the light.
      Black women have been loyal for nothing!

  5. K.L. says:

    Frank this may surprise you, but it is your dumb A$$es that go to strip clubs when you can barely pay the bills. Are black men that date white and other races of men throwing black women under the bus? I as a black woman for decades have sat around and watched black men rich and poor marry non black filth even strippers, and you never hear black men like yourself be vocal about it. The white men I date are not rich, some do not even have formal educations, but they are smart, funny, respectful, and treat me like they like what they see when they look at me. You black men are stuck on hair, skin tone, light skin tone to be exact, and white men find my deep mocha skin to be exotic and beautiful. Kim Kardashian has done all those things you mentioned. Lay on her back, half naked most of the time, but black men love her dirty draws so explain that Frank. I am going to keep dating my white men and continue to persuade my black girlfriends to do the same.

    1. Flower Black says:

      BM have dated out at high numbers. They love anything white and light.

      To the average BM my dark skin is trash I get no love from them unless they think that I’m gonna buy them clothes or pay their bills, but to WM I am a treasure., dark skin, nappy hair and all. WM handle their biz, has decent hobbies don’t shoot each other and they will protect a sis, unlike BM!

      I see it everyday. BM don’t protect us. WM do.


      Go be with your ww latin and asian, we don’t care. You don’t treat them better than us, anyway.

      I knew few married black couples. Most are in the church. One of my bf friends is married to an African. Otherwise the bm are not married or with white/asian.

      I don’t care! I got the memo long time ago. I’m down for ME. Let BM hold down the hood.

      And BM stop supporting hateful hip hop. Pull up your pants! Stop calling each other N in public! Stop being so childish! Stop being so hyper sexual! Start mentoring young black men cause me and other black women are done with the community, we’ve gone it’s yours time for the so-called good black men to hold ish down!!

      Real talk from real black women not the brainwashed church goers or ghetto babymamas. WE are the sistahs you scoff, ignore, say we act white.


  6. Frank says:

    Wait a minute you said you sat around and watched black men rich and poor marry non black filth. But then turn around and date the same non black filth. Then you are going to persuade you girlfriends to do the same. Girl you need professional help.

    1. K.L. says:

      No Frank I do not need professional help, most black men do! The white men I date are not filth, they own businesses, have careers some white collar, some blue collar. You tried to say in your post that black women have lost their way but there again you avoided commenting on black men that date white women. It’s that double standard with black men that the author mentions in his book about you all. I am sorry that you think all white men are filth, but I do not. I have two black professional female friends that were the ones that persuaded me for years to try dating men of other races, and for years I tried to be loyal to my black man, then I had a light bulb moment after seeing the two of them so happy, I had to ask myself why I am loyal to a race of men that do not even think I am pretty? This is the best thing that I as a black female have EVER done for myself. Exploring my options with a race of men that truly admire a self made woman is so empowering and refreshing.

      1. Frank says:

        If I didn’t know any better I thing you are intrigued my me. I bet you are sitting by your computer waiting for this response. Thinking to yourself. Here’s a black man that can put words together that creates a sentence that make sense. But Im not going to flatter myself. I know better. Lets recap: Black men are dump a$$e$ because we spend all our money in strip clubs and can barely pay our bills. Have a light skin complex, and need professional help. And I think white folk are filth. All this are words YOU wrote. Im merely repeating what YOU wrote. It”s clearly apparent these are the type of men (Black or White) you associate with. I assure you the men that I associate with handle our business. (No Im not gay) Their are decent black men around. They all are not born married you know. Just be patient and don’t through us under the bus. Oh and I didn’t avoid commenting of black men that date whith women. Read my first comment.

    2. Big E! says:

      Honestly, she soulds like she has some issues. Maybe her realationships with BM failed because of her insecurities.

      1. porsha says:

        Big E, as a black man and thats what i am assuming that you are, do you even realize how distorted most black men paradigms are?

        With black men it is always, ” she has issues, insecurities, etc”, but have you ever stepped back and said we as black men are f@cked up mentally?

        Listen to what Charles said in the audio clip, even he could not deny and said out of his own mouth that ” black men can learn to treat black women better.” Charles is a black man of reason- not DENIAL my brother.

        Look around you E, black men young and old are self destructing. Black men are killing black women ,their own children and then themselves. Black men are not going to college. Black men are spreading STD’s. Black men are destroying the family unit, and walking away from their children- even their sons.

        So clearly the issues as you said are misplaced, when will it sink into your over inflated thick skulls that you are the ones that need psycho therapy because it is you that have weakened the black community by your lack of ackowledging that you do have mental issues that need to be addressed sooner than later.

  7. porsha says:

    Wow……….. Concerned Black Woman and K.L., let me share something with the two of you. This weekend i was out in little five points and the Highlands area just hanging out with my friends and best believe all I saw were black females- i rephrase that, beautiful black females with gorgeous skin, gorgeous hair, and nice fit bodies with white men. They were holding hands and having fun and the black women looked so happy……… i do not want to bash any black woman because as a black woman myself i know how hard it is being a black woman in todays society, but my question for the two of you, is how do you cope with the racism issues that are all around you, and do not tell me that race is not a factor in these relationships. I come from a proud black father that will kill a brick for all of his daughters, and i have several brothers that will do the same for their sisters, and i have witnessed how racism effects them on a daily basis, so as a single female that wants a loving relationship with a man that i can fully be myself with, explain to me how can i really relate to a white man, and how can they truly and fully relate to me? I am not being sarcastic, i really want to know because i did get the authors book and to be honest it is very interesting, on one hand i understand why some sisters are doing it, but on the other hand i have to ask is this behaviour a easy way out instead of trying to solve the real problem at hand. Please respond…….

    1. K.L. says:

      Porsha of course race will alaways be apart of the equation, but what I had to learn is that we are all human beings first. My first date with a white man was a little weird because I felt like what would we talk about, but actually we talk about issues with race and the problems with both races. You have to understand that he as a white man stepped out his zone to date a black woman which I am sure his kind don’t like it, but he as an individual decided to do what he wanted as a man that can think for himself. What I can tell you and all black women that are curious about white men, all that I have dated love my sense of strength and independence. This is something that I feel black men see as a negative in black women. They also love my skin tone and natural kinky hair, again another trait that black men frown upon. And Porsha not only will you see good looking white men with black women in the areas you mentioned, go downtown, midtown, brookwood, and buckhead on a busy Friday or Saturday night and you will see even more. Don’t sit around sad and closed off to the possibilities. Ten years ago no one would have even thought that I a black woman that just loved herself some black men would find herself with and really enjoying dating white men. I really do enjoy it to the fullest! Go ahead girlfriend and take the plunge, you deserve to be happy and loved even if that is by a white man.

    2. Sarah says:

      Don’t believe the hype Porsha..There are brothers out there who will love you and give you all the respect in the world…I think of my ancestors, who were raped by ancestors of these white men and i’ll and never voluntarily give myself to be raped by one of them…Buckhead was where black men were”farmed out” to be the breeders for these plantations…We have several generations of us whose ancestors birth was by way of these “big black bucks” raping our ancestors, sometimes even children they produced in previous rapes, were brought back for them to impregnate to produce prime slaves to work the plantation…This is the turmoil and insidiousness that’s part of our DNA…Get the real history of places call “Buckhead” before giving/spending your money in places where our ancestors experienced horrors…We’re still seeing the peddling of black flesh in this place called Buckhead every weekend by unwitting participants…

      1. My2Cents says:

        Oh please, are you really this ignorant? We are all one race and that’s human. Do you see black men claiming slavery when they walk down the street with their white women? Give me a break.

    3. Deborrah Cooper says:

      Unless you sleep with your brothers and father, their existence and your relationship with them has no bearing on your romantic life girlfriend! You don’t put yourself in a hole based on relatives. You open your options up to love in whatever form it comes. That is the problem with Black women, they want love to have a six figure income, look a certain way, drive a certain car, have a certain educational level, blah blah blah. Well, keep waiting. Keep praying for God to bring you “your husband” and keep waiting on Black men to get a clue and appreciate you instead of doing all they can to denigrate and condemn and discount you.

      I have often said that I believe Black women have a sick, twisted desire to feel pain and to be hurt. It is evident in discussions like this when hurt after hurt, broken heart after disappointment have come at the hands of a series of Black men that have the same socialization and negative attitudes about women. Yet, Black women refuse to leave those knuckleheads alone and seek something better.

      Professor Banks has touched a nerve. He is not saying anything new. The fact that he is a Stanford Law Professor, a graduate of Stanford and Harvard Universities, and married to a Black woman while watching even his own beautiful accomplished sisters remain single gives him great credibility. I believe THAT is why he is getting so much attention, and the issue is being discussed.

  8. Sarah says:

    Most black men and women need professional help…Black men are the race of men who are the fathers that birth you into existence…If you want to date other men from other races, I say go for it if that is what rocks your boat, but if you have to tear down black men to feel comfortable in your relationships with white men, then that is terrible…I have never heard a white person saying they hate or have a disdain for their own kind in order to maintain a relationship with someone black or of other ethnicity…If you have such a strong dislike for black men or yourself and will term having a relationship with a white man as “the best thing you have ever done for yourself”, that is indeed very pitiful on your part…I would hate to image what the worst thing would be, perhaps it was something involving black people…Shaking my head at this foolishness…

    1. gocrazyforchocolate says:

      *blank stare*

      well my sista more power to you!!!

  9. porsha says:

    Hey Sarah! You know i have to be real, this is really very interesting because I went out and bought that book just wanting to hear the authors point of view. I read his articles first, and the one thing that made me want to buy the book is the fact that he said that black women are sad, and as a single black female that has herself together, I can honestly say that i am sad, Sarah. My single girlfriends are sad. It breaks my heart to see my black men with women of other races- it does because deep down inside i feel that they are an extension of me, my blood, my dna, and vice versa. I feel like no other man on this earth can better understand me than a black man, but on the flip side of that coin, Sarah, can i say the same about how a black man feels about me? Clearly with more money- they don’t. So many of us are walking around sad, which is mistaken for bitterness because we see what is going on. I meant what i said when i called in to the show, but i do see more and more black women young and older dating white and nonblack men. And this weekend i was blown away because usually i tend to see a lot of brothers with white women, but this weekend the numbers seemed to be more black women with white men than with black men. I am not lying.

    I do not want to hate on K.L. because having darker skinned female friends, i have seen first hand what black men put them through. As a light skinned black female i know what they have put me through with their false sense of what beauty is and that white standard of beauty measuring stick that they use on black women.

    Sarah, i do not want to beleive that the times are changing, but after this weekend, i just dont know. I am still going to stay true to my father, my brothers, and the thought of having that strong black man by my side, but i am deeply saddened by the fact that single black men choose to continue to treat black women like we are of no value to them. I feel like if they treated more black women like they value them, then what i saw this weekend would never be………several gorgeous black woman in the arms of a race of people that have oppressed us as a whole.

    1. K.L. says:

      Porsha, contrary to what Sarah had to say there is no hype! I am telling you and all black women the truth. I still love black men, I just decided to explore other options in dating. This is what me and my girlfriends that are dating only white men have in common and totally agree on about white men: They love our independant attitudes they don’t punish us for having an education, a good career, and they love the fact that we find them attractive and sexy. Now can you honestly say that about a black man Porsha? How many times have you heard black men talk down about black women that can hold their own? How many times have you been made to feel like you were bossy, a control freak, because you can hold your own without a black man? White men just don’t treat you like that. They admire your strenghths and this is what I find fun in dating them. They just don’t come with all the baggage and egos that black men come with, and all of my friends agree. If you want to continue to hold out for that black man Porsha that’s fine, but in the mean time just try to step out of your comfort zone and try something new, I promise you you will be saying to yourself, “what took me so darn long”. Your Mr. Right could be white!

      1. The Black Falcon says:

        If you want to date outside of your race, then fine. However, why do you have to make broad and overgeneralized statements about Black and White men. Not all Black men are trash and not all White men are loving individuals who treat Black women like a goddess (remember Troy Dell West).

        You don’t need to trash ALL Black men to justify your reason(s) for wanting to date outside of your race.

    2. mahogany says:

      Honey flee please!!!!

      If you would allow me to be very frank with you.

      BLACK MEN ARE NOT SITTING AROUND AGING WAITING ON YOU. You are doing exactly what they and indoctrinated church people want you to do…wait, wait, and wait. Why is this the constant message delivered to black women on a platter?

      Please don’t waste another day of your life waiting on a black man because honey let me tell you, there is a 99.9999% chance that he isn’t coming. And if he comes, then what? I’m not trying to be negative, I’m being real. I’m talking reciprocation here. You are waiting around trading your good years for what????

      As far as white men are concerned, I know it can be a little different initially, but the bottom line here is that a MAN is interested in a WOMAN and a WOMAN is interested in a MAN. That’s all it boils down to.

      Honey PLEASE don‘t waste your life waiting around. There are people banking on you waiting. For example, as noted on one of Halima’s essays on her blog in the past (her webpage is below) some churches indoctrinate black women to “earn” their husband by working (slaving) away in a church. You are not a machine or a male laborer; you don’t have to earn your husband by working for free in a church. Please! Miss me with that!

      Don’t do this to yourself. I’m not saying that white men are the savior or any man in the global village, I’m just saying open up your dating options and don’t limit them because you want to be faithful to something as silly as SKIN. Please!

      You have tools. I’ve provided links to Black Women Empowerment Blogs (BWE) below. Their purpose is basically to educate black women about their indoctrination in hopes in having them to be free of all of the mammy mule stuff that has been put on them since BIRTH. To tell them that they are worthy of love just like every other race woman. They tell us that we DON’T NEED PERMISSION to have that love in non black men either.

      They are very truth telling and eye opening. After reading them for over two years I am no longer indoctrinated. Trust me, they will clean that “wait” mess right out of you lol.

      Those black women you saw with those white men caught the clue and made it work for them. How do I know? They were seen SMILING. A woman’s behavior can be indicative as to how the man in her life treats her.

      Again, I’m not saying that ALL non black men are saviors or whatever, but I will say this, white men as a collective are protective of their women and children, are in the homes in mass numbers caring for their families, are providers, know that they have to have an education in order to attract and keep a certain caliber of woman, know that they have to be able to provide financially for their families (some men call this gold digging, Lord have mercy), etc…

      My black father has these qualities. Guess what, majority of men in MY GENERATION don’t.

      So with all this said, PLEASE DON’T spend another day waiting on something that can be very temporary. I say all this with much cyber love.

      http://www.blackfemaleinterracialmarriage.com/ (my favorite by the way)

      There are other effective BWE links, just click on the ones above and they have other links in their side bars.

      1. porsha says:

        Thanks Mahogany……… i am about to check all of them out!

  10. K.L. says:

    The Black Falcon, yes I do remember the Cracker Barrel incedent with West, and I also remember the murder of Lita Sullivan, a black socialite gunned down by a hit man hired by her rich white husband, but what do any of those situations have to do with me? Like I said before the white men I date treat me with kindness and respect. Also there are far many deaths of black women at the hands of black men, are there not? There are far many cases of physical abuse of black women at the hands of black men, is it not? Why this double standard when a black woman decides to date outside her race? I still love black men and wish them all the best, but for the moment I do not wish to waste any more time and emotions on black men. My friends all feel the same way. We also feel that most black men have mental issues and are dissolutioned about what is really important in life. Black men are the only race of men that drag their women through the mud. Black men are the only race of men on the planet that will uplift a white mans wh@#e and complain about a black woman being too independant. Black men would not know a good woman when shes staring him in the face, every time he will choose trash over substance. Just pure crazy. Until black me as a whole get some help to deal with their deep rooted issues, this black woman is DONE. And if they go to any affluent parts of this city, they will see other black women like myself that are also, DONE! Hate it or Love it, it is what it is.

  11. Joseph Idowu says:

    This issue is not as serious as we are making it. 94% of couples, married, engaged, monogamous or otherwise engage with people of the same race. Many black women are tired of hearing they should date outside their race.

    1. eugeniamb says:

      No really we’re more tired of hearing we should date in it at all costs to our own happiness and welfare.

      1. Rhonda says:

        No I am sick of some women speaking for the whole gender.

      2. mahogany says:


        Preach! Preach!

    2. tymetravelife says:

      “Many black women are tired of hearing they should date outside their race.”

      You’ve misinterpreted, but it’s understandable since you’re not directly affected. Black women aren’t tired . . . they’re bone tired. Tired of providing cover for dysfunctional black men, tired of paying lip service to the idea of the “good black man,” tired of witnessing their basic needs & the needs of their children pushed to the side for the good of “the group” (translation, black men).

  12. Flower Black says:

    For the most part Black men are colorist hypocrites.

    They love light skin black women, latinas asians and white women.

    They aren’t marrying dark skin women!!

    They marry out 3x more than black women

    but they want us to stay down in the hood with leroy and ray-ray??

    Oh hell no.

    Single young black ladies move out of the hood!


    1. mahogany says:

      “Single young black ladies move out of the hood!”

      Ladies, there is NO protection for women and children in the hood. None! Get out now.

  13. My2Cents says:

    Yes they do FLOWER BLACK, I don’t know why these angry black men are trying to convenience Beautiful Black females that men of other cultures won’t love us, when they do, and actually a heck of a lot MORE! I’ve never had an issue with a white man telling me, he prefers dating light skinned women but decided to date me even though I was dark, NEVER! Black Women need to wake up and realize that even if every black man who wasn’t gay or in prison married every black woman in the United States that would still leave 3 out of 4 Black Women single. So what is that 75% of women supposed to do? They need to be more open about dating and marrying men from other races. Because those men aren’t afraid to step up to the plate and BE A REAL MAN.

    1. Flower Black says:

      My2Cents, yes. Then they call us queens and talk about damn God to control us.


      Black men have a crazy sense of owner ship towards BW and I think

      Everywhere I look is a brother with a becky. I don’t give a damn! But those same brothers roll their eyes at me and Brad. They can kiss my black butt.

      And yes, i’m dark and lovely. Only black bums and hood rats try to talk to me. The other so-called good ones ignore me TILL THEY SEE ME WITH A WHITE MAN.

      Black men face facts, the smart sisters are done. You dump your kids like trash, never defend us from street harrassment, stay mum on rape, domestic abuse and misogynist hip hop. IS THAT LOVE? hell no.

      I AM SICK OF BLACK MEN!!!! Glad I never had a kid by one! And I will never marry another one, either.

  14. Dividia Snape says:

    I have been married to the same white man for 16 years. We never thought about our races when we connected. Sometimes the person you love isn’t going to fit the general mold of what your friends and family might have for the one for you. However, I have to say, what when it true and genuine love, no matter what race he/she is, respect will flow from all corners.

    Sure we’ve had people give us the eye. We’ve sat in the most racist of backwood towns and urban hoods and have eaten our meals in peace. Some curious people in the past have asked us about our relationship not with malicious intent, but out of respect for breaking a barrier they never thought would be broken. Even Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., wanted to see us all at teh table of brotherhood.

    By the time we moved away from Atlanta, or any place that we have visited, if people saw one of us without the other, they asked about us, made sure we were both okay. Complete strangers we have met, from across the country and world, still exchange greeting cards with us. It was never about race for us, it was the adventure that our lives shared.

    I guess what I’m saying is that my love for this man was a compliment of myself. I married my best friend, who just happen to be different from me because he’s a male and because he’s white. He could have been black for all I’ve cared. I’ve dated everything from Angolan to Iranian to Japanese to anyone who was comfortable enough with themselves to be comfortable enough being with me. However it happened, life found me my perfect mate for my adventures.

    PS: Since your posts seem to reflect more on monetary value of the person, hair type, education and skin tone, it seems you’re caught up in what’s being brought to the table instead of submitting yourself to the true emotions of love and life. You can sit around waiting, or you can have them waiting on you. I was never sad about black men or women. I’m sad for them and the barriers that they have instituted on themselves. Slavery of today are the shackles that you allow to be put on you, the missed opportunities because your mind is so concentrated on something fitting that mold than to enjoy your life and what’s out there. This is both the black man and black woman faults. You give in too much to what others think about you, than wondering what’s out there for you. Don’t stay locked up away, your Prince Charming doesn’t have to be white. He may be Asian, Hispanic, African or Middle Eastern. This world has so much to choose from. Find your compliment.

  15. Black tinkerbell says:

    I cant believe how dumb some black men can be. I dont care a hoot what BM think when I can find a non black man and walk proudly down the street with him. I dont believe its all about slavery and history. I believe its all about their triffling ego. Yes black women deserve love and I tell you love can come in anybody be it non black. Half of these black men dont care a donkey about black women esp the ones that are more intelligent than them.

    1. Flower Black says:

      Black tinkerbell
      “I believe its all about their triffling ego. Yes black women deserve love and I tell you love can come in anybody be it non black.”

      BM are slow on getting the same memo that black men got 40 years ago: DATE AND MARRY OUT. EVERY hood has those black male white woman couples!! All the black men are proud when their buddies have a white girl. Those same men get stank when we have a white man that’s why black women have to move out of the hood!

      1. Flower Black says:

        Correction: BW are slow on getting the same memo that black men got 40 years ago: DATE AND MARRY OUT.

  16. tymetravelife says:

    Facts don’t lie. In the American black community at least 75% of black women will never marry & will be childless or raising children solo. Forget who’s fault it is, many black men will not marry & those who create a child with women (no matter her race) will not stick around to actively parent that child(ren). This is not a WHITE conspiracy or black man hating myth. There may be many reasons for this phenomenon, bu the bottom line is that too many children won’t have the wisdom & protection of a father. And when we leave these boards & get off of our soap boxes, that’s ALL that should ever matter. Why in the heck do we feel more motivated to defend the honor of adults than the lives & outcomes of children?

  17. traveloutsideUS4happiness says:

    Sheeeeesh. Get a grip people. Ladies stop the discussion, get out there and find your prince. He exisits! A man who will love you respect you and yes..kiss your a$$.

    There are so many countries and cultures out there. Heck! Why not forget American men altogether..I did 😉

  18. porsha says:

    Wow, Wow , Wow, you ladies are off the chain….LOL

    Flower Black, My2Cents, and Deborah Cooper, I hear you guys loud and clear. When i see so many of my sisters being sad, including myself, without mates it is very frustrating and i am begining to ask myself why am i being loyal to a race of man that is not loyal. You all have raised some serious points along with the author, especially how black men use the church to control black women. And i have to be honest, the only man that has made me feel lower than low has been black men My problem is that i would feel like a hypocrite because i do not like to see black men with white and nonblack women, but then i ask myself would i continue to feel this way if i dated a white man, and the answer i come up with is – Probably Not! I am just tired of being alone and dealing with the ills in the black community, especially our men. When i see how white men are really feeling my deep chocolate sisters it makes me happy because my best friend was dark skinned and black men passed over her time and time again when she was a hell of a women inside out. As a light skinned female, most black men not all that i have encountered are stuck on color and hair. It made me sick on the stomach to encounter so many black men, that loved my long hair, did not want me to cut my long hair, always asked me if i were mixed- i just couldnt be me- period. I knew at a very young age that they had been brainwashed to beleive that white was better, and most of them do lust for white and nonblack women. And if they cant get one, they try to find a black woman that comes extremely close.

    My question for all of you is………is it really very different and where do you go to meet these white men that find black women attractive? Each weekend that i go out i am seeing more and more black women with white men. And these black women are gorgeous and in shape, just beautiful black women in all skin tones and hair textures. Please respond…………………………..

    PS. i am not saying that i am giving up on black men, but i must admit, i am becoming curious about the other side especially when i see so many sisters like myself exploring other options in romance

    1. Z says:

      @Porsha it’s not very different at all. Secondly, I want you to ask yourself why do you feel the need to give this disclaimer: “I am not saying that i am giving up on black men, but i must admit, i am becoming curious about the other side especially when i see so many sisters like myself exploring other options in romance.” So what if you are? It’s your life you owe yourself and only yourself your happiness. You do not have to explain securing your own happiness to anyone.

      For more information a good place to start would be in the blogosphere. There’s a lot of great blogs out there that can help you address the questions and concerns that you have like: http://www.interracialdatingcoach.com/; http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/; http://dateawhiteguy.blogspot.com/ and many more.

      1. gocrazyforchocolate says:

        because many black women have to let the black men know that their still down for them. She needs to look at this way, you are laying down your burdens and going after your happy. Chriselyn’s blog is every good. i am on there ALOT!! as well as beyond the walls. this is a blog about a black woman who is married to an asian man living in China. Cant get no more exciting than that.

    2. gocrazyforchocolate says:

      i met my babe on an interracial dating site. I don’t know if it will work for you and dont know if your interested on considering doing IR dating site but it as worked for me and others. IR dating does not equate to dating white men, there are so many men you can choose from who are interested in a black women. I just cant seem to understand why people automatically think that once you choose to date outside of your race it means you have to be with a white men. Asian and hispanic men etc are interested in us too.

  19. porsha says:

    Z and Go crazy for chocolate, you both are absolutely right about me. Debra Cooper posted something that really hit home with me so much so that i cried all night. She hit the nail on the head for me when she said that we as black women are gluttons for pain. For years i have shut myself off from dating black men totally, but could not bring myself to date another man of a different race because i am a crusader for black on black love- even when i do not have that for myself, how crazy is that. As a lighter skinned female i have caught hell too with black men and it seems to be getting worse throughout. Flower Black made excellent points and while i do not beleive that all black men are guilty of those characteristics she named, i do believe that a lot of black men feel like they have the upper hand in this game of love thing. I know good black women that have had to resort to sharing someones husband, rather than step outside the race for companionship.

    I am going to check out the links you sent, and try to step outside my comfort or should i say misery zone, and squash this crazy sense of loyalty that i have for black men. I will always love black men, but i have to keep it real…… I am sicker than sick of them. I want to try something different and expand my dating options.

    1. gocrazyforchocolate says:

      it usually the women who dont have a man who often times be advocating for ‘black love’ which is quite ironic. no one is going to refute that all black men aren’t like that, we all know there are good ones there but guess what there is a great possibility that you might not end up with one; because black women aren’t the only one competing for a ‘good brother’. you know thing i keep asking myself is that why so many black women want to keep being so loyal after all these years, i mean take a good look at it, black women have been fight the good fight and all they have wound up with is 70% single and 73% out of wedlock birth, i dont know about you but thats obviously not a good fight. i dont know when BC is going to stop denying and come to grips with reality maybe when it reaches to 80-5% single and OOW!!

      1. porsha says:

        My loyalty comes from the fact that i have a loving black father and mother that are still together, and several brothers that are married and are good husbands to their black wives. I look around and i do see black couples everywhere, but most of my friends like me are single and fed up with all the antics. When i hear stories of black men killing black women and their children like the man in Stockbridge, i have to ask do they really dislike black women that much? Because this woman filed for divorce, he tried to kill her. And the black AKA in Dunwoody who was killed by her husband as well. The list can go on and on, but i am no longer willing to be loyal to a race of men that have mental issues going on clearly…..

    2. Keisha says:

      Girl I know Black men are terrible, I can’t stand em! They’re just a bunch of lazy, ugly, smelly losers. I can’t wait till they’re all wiped off the face of the Earth, and it started tonight! At 11:08 pm I popped open my bottle of champagne and celebrated with my husband, guess what color he is 😉

      1. porsha says:

        Keisha, do not get it twisted…… that was a very mean thing to say. I do not wish any ill fates for black men just because i want to try something else in dating………

        Yes i am sick of them to a certain degree, but that sickness is more my being disappointed more than anything. My father is still alive and is a good man and even if the man i fell in love with tommorow was a white or nonblack man, i could never bring my lips to say that their life is not worth a D&%n!

        Keisha, if you are a black woman, you need to check yourself. My wanting to explore and open up my dating pool does not mean that i as a black woman think that black men are ugly, smelly, losers. I know that there are good black men out there but just not enough in the pie. I still plan to date black men that want to date me, but i am no longer willing to stay closed off from other possibilities trying to be loyal or a ” cultural perserver” as the author Banks suggests about black women in his book.

        If you feel that way about black men, maybe you should stay off these black boards because what you have to remember is that if in fact that you are black, a black man and a black woman gave you life, so do not devalue someone elses seed because you have moved on.

  20. gocrazyforchocolate says:

    quoting Deborah Cooper: Unless you sleep with your brothers and father, their existence and your relationship with them has no bearing on your romantic life girlfriend! You don’t put yourself in a hole based on relatives.

    will there be black women who find marriageable black men, yes they will be. will most black women have this privilege, most certainly NOT!

    1. porsha says:

      Crazy for Chocolate, did you read what Keisha wrote?

      See this is the kind of stuff that i hate about these topics of discussion, because someone who has hatred issues of all black men always put stuff like this in the mix that is absurb!

      After finally completing the authors book, Is Marriage for White People”, i have come to these conclusions:

      Black men that marry out do so for status, Black women to open up more options for marriage.

      “I am not looking for marriage, i have a child that is grown, i just want companionship with a man that thinks like i do and means what he says and does what he means.”

      Black women have been indoctrined to be ” cultural preservers ” unlike black men.
      ” This explains most of our sense of loyalty and wanting to stay stuck on black men as a whole.”

      If black women want marriage they will have to began to look outside the race for solutions or be without because the facts show that black men are in no hurry to marry because of their abundance of options.

      ” This explains their over inflated egos and all the non commitment issues within, not to mention the increasing rates of STD’s by women infected by these men that have several sexual partners on rotation.” So the choice is clear, either continue to be apart of the problem as a black woman, or be apart of the solution……….and that clear solution is for single black women to began to date outside the race”

      I really, really wanted to prove this author wrong, but the facts are all there in black and white, easy to read and understand……………………….and at the end of the day i just want to be happy and i want all my beautiful black sisters on this earth to be happy- because we have truly earned the right to be just that HAPPY!

      1. gocrazyforchocolate says:

        there are black women out there who think like alot of black men… so dont be surprised?

  21. frank says:

    Don’t you women have any else to do other and bash BM If you all want to date outside your race, then just do it. With all the hatred Im reading the non-black men can have you all. BM ain’t done that much to our BW that deserve this kind hatred. You have to go back 100 years to find this kind of hatred toward a BM. If it was left to you BW women we brothers would be hanging from a tree. From a BM the my BW give it a rest. Go feed the homeless or go save a cat out of burning buliding. WHATEVER!!!! Just give this s@#t a rest.

    Translation: GET A LIFE!!!

    1. porsha says:

      Frank, get off these boards……..you must not have a life cause here you are checking back in on this conversation.

      Let me ask you something Frank, do you feel like black men as a whole have given black women their absolute best as men?

      Do you think that black men are suffering from some kind of psychosis with all the selfdestructive behaviours they are exibiting like for one killing black spouses, the children, then themselves? What about the fact that most of them as Dr. Simon put it spend more time chasing tail than trying to better the black community and themselves.

      You see Frank this is the problem that i have and i am only speaking for myself here:

      For starters most black men that i encounter and no one can say that i am not problack, but i just continously meet black men that are not stable, and are too old not to be stable, YET these same men feel like they are a hot commodity with no stable career, no savings, no retirement, no commitment to anyone or anything, just rolling through life trying to date as many women as they can, spreadind seeds that they walk away from. But the thing is THEY THINK THEIR BEHAVIOUR IS NORMAL and its not!

      Then they want to say that i am crazy, controlling, bossy, high faluting, stuck up, because i wont entertain their foolishness, and Frank why should i? I have worked like a dog to get to where i am, like most black women with good sense have, why should i have to recieve the very least from a man that is supposed to love and protect me?

      You say and talk all that lynching stuff, but black men started this mess, dating outside the race, taking valuable resources OUT of the black family unit. Successful black men have used good black women as a STEPPING STOOL to get to where they want, then they marry another race of woman and leave black women behind. I am still going to date black men on my level, which will be slim pickings, but i am also going to date white and nonblack men to explore all my options………….Instead of telling us what to do, go tell your black brothers to go get some help before there will be no more good black women left for them to mess over no doubt!

      1. K.L. says:

        Yes Porsha, Yes! Most black men are too busy thinking with their “other” head to even understand that their behaviour is self destructive. They play games through their productive years, don’t try to advance in whatever career they have, then look up in their late 30’s and 40’s, and realize that black women have been getting busy. Then they want to blame us for their failures and shortcomings in life. Porsha don’t lower your standards because it will never work, black men are not appreciative like that. Keep moving forward and never look back.

  22. VFB says:

    It is about time Black Women start to expand their dating and marrying options! Please learn how to travel; especially internationally:)

  23. Enuff says:

    Years ago I was walking down the street with a co-worker who happened to be white, on our lunch break. A black man pushing a stroller with a white woman sees me with my white co-worker and starts shouting “Sister Sellout!” at the top of his lungs. The white woman, my co-worker and I. starting staring at him like he was insane. My co-worker was so confused he couldn’t stop talking about it asking me “Why would he call you a sellout when he obviously has a baby with a white woman.” That is the type of nonsense that is making this discussion so lopsided. There is a SERIOUS double standard, and a sense of entitlement that is unhealthy and unwarranted. This is not the first time I have seen a Black man puff up at the sight of me in the company of white men. The sad truth is I have been ignored by BM in the presence of WW more times than I can count. I feel like the beauty myth and institutionalized racism hit the males in our culture on levels deeper than we were willing to admit. If you suffer from self hate you will never truly love anybody, Especially the female version of yourself (and vice versa). Nobody should be shocked or surprised that we have arrived at this place, this author and this book is causing such an uproar because it is calling attention to an issue some of us don’t want attention drawn to. My brother refused to date a BW he is now married to a WW who treats him like “The Help”.

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