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Liquid Lapdance? What’s It All About?

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A pole dancer performs on opening day of Exxxotica Expo By: FREDERIC J. BROWN / Getty Images

A pole dancer performs on opening day of Exxxotica Expo By: FREDERIC J. BROWN / Getty Images

2097-11 copy Robert Calloway
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In case you were one of the few dozen sex criminals/pathetic men who head to the strip club to try and bust a nut, Liquid Lapdance has finally created the product meant for you. There aren’t any pictures that detail what the product looks like, but the invention is essentially something you wear in place of underwear that will enable you you jizz when you get a lap dance.

If you’re confused, and want to be even more confused, this NSFW video both explains nothing and everything at the same time. And if you’re still hesitant, feel peace of mind with their “World Famous Orgasm Guarantee.” No orgasm? No problem! You’ll get a full refund for your blue balls.

So how, exactly, does Liquid Lapdance work? Again, kinda vague, but here are the benefits the site promises:

1. They moisturize and lubricate your penis. A moisturized penis is more sensitive than a dry penis. As the dancer glides her body over yours, you will feel her much more intensely. One reviewer described it as the difference between standard and high definition.

2. They provide you with the space to get fully-erect. Most underwear is not designed to be worn when you’re rock hard. Ours is. Expand in comfort.

3. They take the pain out of lap dances. Dry lap dances can be quite painful. Many guys avoid lap dances for this reason. Liquid Lapdance takes the pain out of lap dances. We’ve tested them with big butts, bony butts and even granny butts! No pain, our testers still made it rain! LL is designed for the grind!

4. They contain your semen. When a guy has an orgasm during a lap dance, it can be quite awkward if he’s not wearing Liquid Lapdance. A wet stain typically forms on the guy’s crotch, and semen may get on the dancer, where it is often unwelcome. With Liquid Lapdance, you can relax and fully-enjoy the orgasm without worrying about minimizing or containing ejaculation as you might in regular underwear.

If you have any questions about this revolutionary product, you can always call their customer service manager Reg, who’s “tested Liquid Lapdance hundreds—maybe even thousands—of times.

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